when I grow up

As part of deciding whether or not I wanted to quit my RN job, I listed all the things I wanted to do instead.  I wanted to blog, become more of a hippie mom (using essential oils, frugality, maybe even homeschooling), get back into consulting with Rodan + Fields, and be a housewife.  Now here I am with opportunity staring me in the face.  Blogging, check.  Hippie mom, working on it.  Rodan + Fields, well, I told hubby that I quit it.  So yeah.  Not sure how to go about that one.

As I mentioned earlier, my main goal for 2014 is to face my fears.  I've read/seen in so many blogs/Pinterest posts/whatever that one of the biggest fears is the fear of success.  When I started R+F, I was 8mo pregnant, hating my job, and wanting a way to make income to put the boys in school, but still have a bit left over to fund a Target spree here or there.  I had no idea what I was in for, in terms of actual behind the scenes work.  I thought it would be easy, ask a few friends to buy products and/or become consultants, and BOOM, done.  I immediately quit trying, both wanting and fearing the hard work it would take to be successful.  Now I'm ready to start again, to devote my spare time to getting my business up and running.

I'll be keeping tabs on my business here on the blog, for accountability.  Who knows, I may find some success stories through the interwebs.

new beginnings

As the school year begins to wind down, I find myself getting ready to start in a Bible study group that has only 4 weeks left.  I have wanted to join a Bible study, and prayed about it; now that the opportunity is here, it makes me nervous.  I don't pray like I imagine most people to pray, you know, on their knees or in a special spot at home.  I pray whenever the need strikes, whether that's in the shower or driving to work.  The funny thing is, I don't consider myself a woman of prayer, much less a woman of faith.  It just so happens that so many things have fallen in to place in the past couple of months, that I can't ignore it as simply coincidence or happenstance.  The timing is too perfect.

Here's to hoping (and praying) that this works out.  I have so much to learn.

a mommy's journey

As of a couple of weeks ago, I began taking meds to help with postpartum depression and anxiety.  I had been struggling with pretty crippling anxiety throughout my pregnancy, and afterwards, my son's less-than-perfect birth and first two weeks tipped me over the edge.  

T's birth story in a nutshell.  Surprise 37wk induction due to high blood pressure, 18hr labor with 3hrs of pushing, epidural wore off & pitocin distressed T.  He was born without any medical help (forceps, vacuum, C-section), but had to have his blood sugar monitored in newborn nursery.  Ended up in NICU for 13 days, and I had such a hard time accepting that I wasn't taking my baby home with me.  

I had dreamed of this perfect birth (although I was prepared for difficulties), but most of all, taking my precious newborn home with me when I left the hospital.  When that didn't happen, I was absolutely devastated.  For the first few months, I beat myself up over what I could have done differently to keep T from NICU.  Over and over I would replay his birth and think, if I had just said this, or if I had only done that.  It was miserable.

When we got home from the hospital, he decided he wasn't interested in breastfeeding.  He screamed, cried, and turned purple when I put him to breast.  I soon started crying with him, especially at 3am.  This was the other part of my baby dream.  Have a sweet baby who I was able to breastfeed in bed and bond with in that way.  Between T's crying and my crying, hubby convinced me to start him on formula.  I also beat myself up over this.  If only I had tried harder, gone to more lactation center appointments, taken a breastfeeding class, or going full circle, kept him out of NICU...

I finally asked a friend for references to therapists and found a place that specializes in postpartum depression.  It has been wonderful to have my sadness and grief validated and not thrown off as hormones or emotional instability.  Medication has been a wonderful help, but also being focused on changing my attitude and rediscovering my love of crafting, prayerful time, and organizing.  

I want to share my story with other women who are going through these same issues.  Postpartum depression isn't for crazy women, and anxiety during pregnancy, while normal, shouldn't be overwhelming like it was for me.  I was afraid of my doctor laughing at my fears, and while I couldn't have taken meds during pregnancy, she would've helped me be better prepared for the postpartum period.

Don't be afraid to talk to someone.  It's scary, but is worth it in the end.  Do it for yourself, do it for your family, and most importantly, for your health.

xo